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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27297187">i'm afraid that's just the way the world works</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingsace/pseuds/everythingsace'>everythingsace</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abandonment Issues, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mayhaps, Past Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Reggie Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Reggie Needs a Hug (Julie and The Phantoms), bobbys in it but barely so im not tagging him, did i project onto reggie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:47:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,952</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27297187</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingsace/pseuds/everythingsace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn’t even focus on music, which was supposed to be the one thing that he could lose himself in.</p><p>His fingers moved automatically, his hands gliding along the strings of his bass like they always did, but his mind was entirely elsewhere. All he saw was the stupid bike shack, the stamp on his wrist, Alex’s heartbroken expression when he and Willie had their strange not-a-break-up, the jolts shocking through his friends, even his parents arguing, which somehow feels both so long ago and still so fresh. Most of all, it’s the giant, looming, vague end that has no shape but he knows is coming.</p><p>(AKA: Reggie has abandonment issues and is positive that everything will inevitably be taken away from him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alex &amp; Julie Molina &amp; Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie, Alex &amp; Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex &amp; Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Luke Patterson &amp; Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>349</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i'm afraid that's just the way the world works</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is from conan gray's "the story" because GOD does that song hit (i recommend listening to it while reading bc i did half the time i was writing it)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Reggie always knew things were temporary. That’s just how things were. </p><p>He learned quickly, too, which was probably a damn miracle compared to how slowly he seemed to learn everything else. </p><p>Words were temporary. They came in through one ear and out the other, no matter how hard he tried to grasp onto them. As his teacher spoke, he tried so hard on concentrating on what she was saying, but by the end of the lesson, he couldn’t remember half of it. Words on pages, he could piece them together if he tried long enough, but they crumbled before he could really grasp any meaning from them. Same with numbers.</p><p>Patience was temporary. He’d finally find a teacher who sat with him during recess and helped him review what they talked about, listened to his questions, answered them calmly. But soon enough, the year would end and he’d be plopped in front of a teacher who thought he was lazy and a problem child.</p><p>Friends were temporary. He had friends in kindergarten, in first grade, for the next few years, but they eventually found someone else they wanted to hang out with. Someone who understood what they were talking about, someone who didn’t have to read his homework out loud, someone who they could have sleepovers with. Eventually, he couldn’t even find friends to <em> try </em>to hold onto, as he was brushed aside and ignored in the interest of a better conversation.</p><p>Quiet was temporary. He would be tucked in his bed, staring at the ceiling with burning eyes, and the angry yelling down the hall would finally become quiet. He would finally be able to slow his heartbeat, swallow the lump in his throat, and push himself to fall asleep. And in the morning, he would wake up to someone shouting, or something breaking, or a door slamming, and the silence would be broken.</p><p><em> Love </em> was temporary. He saw the evidence of that in his house every day. There were pictures on the mantle of a happy bride and groom, of a giggly baby boy with red cheeks, of a family that was filled with love. He didn’t know the people in those pictures - he knew a man and a woman with tired and angry lines on their foreheads, mouths full of frowns and nasty words, eyes full of disgust and disappointment.</p><p>Everything was temporary and nothing lasted long. That’s just how the world was, and Reggie knew that.</p>
<hr/><p>When Reggie found himself in a makeshift studio, being asked by a brown-haired boy with a warm smile and his best friend to join their band, it was safe to say that he was surprised and more than a little shaken.</p><p>He was calm as he played his bass, falling into the familiar rhythm naturally, his fingers moving easily and his mind settling. However, outside of the actual playing, he felt out of his territory. He was being asked to <em> join a band, </em> and he said <em> yes, </em>obviously, but it felt unreal.</p><p>Hell, before he knew it, he was being wrapped in a <em> hug. </em> He didn’t know what to do with his arms. Luke was still jumping up and down with excitement, sort of rocking Reggie and a reluctant yet fond Alex with him. Did he wrap his arms around them? Or did he just let them hang at his sides? Would it be weird for him to hug them back? They just met him. Luke was just excited. Was it weird that he didn’t know what to do?</p><p>Eventually, Luke finally released them both, going back to jumping unrestrained, instead bouncing around the room.</p><p>Alex rolled his eyes, grinning at the bubbly brunet, before turning back to Reggie, who was still standing frozen, his mouth sort of just… hanging open. </p><p>Furrowing his brows, Alex nudged him with his shoulder. “You okay? We don’t mind giving you a couple days to think it over. You did just meet us, and you might get tired of that one real quick,” he said, adding a teasing glance towards Luke.</p><p>Reggie laughed, partly at Luke’s indignant squawk, but mostly at the idea of <em> him </em> getting tired of <em> them </em>. Experience indicated that that would absolutely not be the issue.</p><p>Still. If there was anything he’d learned over the years, it was to enjoy the good things while they lasted, no matter how quickly they’d be gone.</p><p>“No, I’m in,” said Reggie, and Luke let out a loud whoop.</p>
<hr/><p>A few months later, Reggie was… actually feeling good? For the first time in his life, it sort of felt like something was going to work out for him. Things weren’t okay at home, of course - that was one of the few constants he had. However, he had three friends, two of which felt as grounding as his lucky flannel, as weird as that was, and what they had felt <em> solid. </em> Luke was always happy to greet him at school, and Alex’s house felt like a place Reggie could go whenever he felt too worn thin by nights of little sleep and tired headaches.</p><p>He might as well have shouted at the universe, <em> hey! Nothing could possibly go wrong! </em></p><p>Now, here he was, sat on the shitty futon they’d grabbed off someone’s driveway, his hand resting on Alex’s side as he finally slept, his eyes still puffy with his head buried in Reggie’s stomach.</p><p>Honestly, Alex’s home had felt like the steadiest of them all, besides maybe Bobby. Reggie, obviously, wouldn’t even let the others come over - they’d still never set foot in his house or even met one of his parents. He heard yelling and crashes and thuds every day and every night, and he never got a full night of sleep. Hell, he’d stepped on a piece of glass last week, and he’d been limping for days after. Meanwhile, Luke was having spats with his parents more and more. They argued with him about college and the band and his grades, and they usually couldn’t go a week without some kind of disagreement.</p><p>Alex’s, though - his parents were so <em> nice. </em> They encouraged the boys and their music, even lending some money towards their garage rent. They welcomed Reggie and the others whenever they came over, inviting them to stay for dinner or even the night when they accidentally lost track of time. They spoke highly of Alex, praising him for his last good test grade or a particularly good drum solo that he’d nailed. Alex’s home and family were supposed to be a safe place.</p><p>Now, though, one of his best friends was passed out after spending hours crying, because his parents had decided that everything had changed, that somehow Alex liking boys was a betrayal, that he was a disgrace. With just one little confession, they’d decided that they could hate their <em> son, </em> when just a few days ago, they’d been boasting about his talent. Now, when just a few days ago, Alex could safely sleep in his home with comfort, he’d been tossed to the curb like trash.</p><p>Reggie swallowed, his own eyes burning, as he looked down at Alex, then the garage around them, where they’d slowly been building a home.</p><p>Nothing was permanent, he reminded himself. Everything would slip away at some point.</p>
<hr/><p>A few months later, Reggie couldn’t help but notice when Alex and Luke started acting different.</p><p>Despite what everyone thought, Reggie wasn’t stupid. He struggled in school, yes, and printed words and numbers ditched his brain faster than his fingers could move between frets, but he wasn’t <em> actually </em>stupid. He took notice of things, even if he often pretended not to. </p><p>For instance, now. Neither Luke nor Alex said anything to him, so he pretended not to notice. Pretended he didn’t notice the way that Alex spent time at Luke’s more and more. Pretended he didn’t notice how they almost always ended up sneaking off for a couple minutes during band rehearsals. Pretended he didn’t notice Luke staring at Alex more during their songs.</p><p>He didn’t know why they wouldn’t tell him, but he was happy for them, even if he felt this weird tightness in his chest when he saw Alex wearing one of Luke’s flannels. Whatever that was, he stuffed it down, down, down, instead smiling brightly at the two whenever they came back from their little breaks.</p><p>Because the truth was, he <em> was </em> happy for them. He felt a lump in his throat that he couldn't get rid of, but <em> God, </em>there was a light in Alex's eyes that hadn't been there for months, and Reggie felt so much relief at seeing it. And Luke was happy, too, brightening whenever he saw the blond, and Reggie loved that, too.</p><p>He also pretended he didn’t notice the sympathetic looks that Bobby would give him once the drummer and singer were turned away. </p><p>Reggie kind of hated that he hadn’t gotten himself to fully love seeing them together, despite how hard he tried, because as he should have expected, things were falling apart soon enough.</p><p>“Would you just <em> listen </em>to me?” Luke snapped, and Reggie had to wrap his fingers around his bass strap to stop himself from doing something to the strings instead. </p><p>“I <em> am, </em> just because I’m <em> disagreeing </em>doesn’t mean I’m not listening!” Alex retorted, and the tightness that Reggie had been feeling for the past month in his chest was replaced with something that felt like acid, filling his lungs with something putrid that threatened to bubble up his throat.</p><p>Luke said something back, but Reggie didn’t hear it; he was busy pulling his bass over his head before putting it on its stand, quietly sneaking out as Bobby tried yelling over them to mediate.</p><p>He went around to the side of the garage, sliding down against the wall until he was sat on mulch and dirt with a bush’s branch poking him in the arm. He rested his arms on his knees, resting his forehead on them as he tried to slow his breathing, much like he tried to get Alex to do when he was the one having a panic attack.</p><p>He could still hear the shouting inside, but it was much quieter, more muffled so he couldn’t actually understand what they’re saying. Regardless, he felt not unlike how he did when he was burying himself in his closet as his parents shouted at each other down the hall.</p><p>He should have <em> known </em>, he should have known, he should have known. </p><p>Amidst the burning, he kind of felt like his chest was falling apart. He thought he’d <em> had </em>something. He’d let himself forget that things would have to end eventually, and here it was, splintering on the other side of the wall.</p><p>Eventually, once things quieted down and he reluctantly went back inside, Alex and Luke both apologized - Alex squeezing his shoulders, Luke giving him a tight hug. They told him that they shouldn’t have blown up like that and that they were sorry, and that they wouldn’t let it happen again. Reggie lied and said it was fine, and they slowly (and awkwardly) got back to rehearsing. </p><p>Reggie wasn’t surprised when, a few days later, Alex and Luke were no longer finding quiet moments away and their dynamic went back to how it was before - although definitely a bit more awkward and somewhat strained. </p><p>It felt a little better - certainly nicer than the angry tension that had been slowly building up - but it also just confirmed Reggie’s theory. </p>
<hr/><p>That summer, Reggie was fully letting himself enjoy the moment as he and his best friends stepped outside of the Orpheum. He felt adrenaline still lingering in his veins, his heart thumping hard as Luke threw his arm around his shoulder.</p><p>“This is it, boys!” Luke said, and Reggie felt himself grinning so wide his cheeks hurt.</p><p>He couldn’t even bring his mood back down when he caught a glance of one of Luke’s missing posters over the couch after getting their hot dogs - it wasn’t the first one they’d seen, and Luke had promised he’d try to face his parents some time after the show. Right now, Luke was focused on the moment, and Reggie was, too. </p><p>They were about to play the <em> Orpheum. </em> This was going to be what changed their lives, and it was the one change that Reggie was looking <em> forward </em>to.</p><p>A couple hours later, in between coughing up vomit into a trash can, his favorite people suffering beside him, Alex hyperventilating and Luke struggling to breathe at all, Reggie rasped, his throat burning: “Well, <em> this </em>is not how I thought things would end.”</p><p>He really hadn’t been expecting <em> life </em> to be the next thing to leave.</p>
<hr/><p>When they came back as ghosts, Reggie felt weird.</p><p>Well, weird <em> beyond </em> the weird he assumed most people would feel if they died via hot dog, missed twenty-five years and showed up in 2020 where people had computers in their pockets and the Internet was available to pretty much anyone at any time, and were <em> ghosts </em> who were unable to be seen by anyone except for a teenage girl who happened to live in the house next to the studio you and your band rehearsed in. </p><p>Yeah, the weird that went beyond all that.</p><p>He’d spent his whole life knowing that things were temporary - when he became friends with Luke and Alex and joined their band, he’d <em> known </em> that an end to that would eventually come.</p><p>Except, <em> now, </em>here he was, dead twenty-five years later, and his friends were still by his side.</p><p>Don’t get it wrong - he was <em> ecstatic </em>. Somehow, he’d managed to keep his friends despite everything in the universe telling him that he wouldn’t be able to, and it looked like they weren’t going away any time soon.</p><p>That just… did <em>not </em>compute. Things didn’t stay, they didn’t stick around, nothing was <em>permanent,</em> so how on Earth was this happening? He truly tried not to question things - he at least didn’t nearly as much as Alex did - but he couldn’t help but feel like things were wrong. They were <em>right,</em> better than he had let himself dream of, but they were wrong at the same time.</p><p>When he saw that his house was no longer there on the beach, when they discovered that Bobby had betrayed them and stolen all their songs without an ounce of credit, when Julie quit the band after they accidentally ditched her, he really, really, <em> really </em>hated being right.</p><p>They managed to get Julie back, and Reggie felt a little better - except for those jolt-thingies, but he’d managed to get his new friend back, so he tried to focus on that. </p><p>Of course, then, before he’d even managed to suppress his very much prominent Awareness That Things Will Go Wrong back down, he was just proven right again when Willie told them that they either had to cross over, resulting in him losing everything, or cease to exist completely, resulting in him losing everything.</p><p>It was really, <em> really </em> hard to enjoy what he had while it lasted when he knew the expiration date was ticking closer and closer <em> very </em>quickly.</p><p>As they lied on the floor of the garage after their performance at the Orpheum, the jolts getting worse and more frequent, Alex spoke up after a particularly painful one.</p><p>“I love you guys, you know?” he said, his voice wavering.</p><p>“We love you too, man,” Luke said, and Reggie could hear the tears in his voice.</p><p>“I know we’re not gonna exist, but…” Reggie said, swallowing hard. “I’m gonna miss you guys <em> so much.” </em></p><p>There was the sound of a fumbling, and Reggie looked up to see the vague shape of Luke crawling over to them in the dark. Then, he felt a hand touch his right one, flipping it over and gripping it tightly. He could only assume Luke had held onto Alex with his other hand, as he could feel Alex’s distinctive calluses as his left was grabbed, too. </p><p>Choking a little on the tears, Reggie gave a hysterical chuckle as he squeezed their hands, repeating what he’d said right before he’d died the last time. “This <em> really </em> isn’t how I thought things would end.”</p><p>Beside him, Luke sniffed. “Yeah, I thought I’d go out in a flash and a bang or something. This <em> sucks. </em>”</p><p>Reggie let out a breathy laugh, only to be interrupted by a jolt that made him gasp and hold on tighter. “That’s not - agh - what I meant,” Reggie hissed, blinking back the wetness in his eyes.</p><p>Alex squeezed his hand. “Then what did you mean?” he asked, sounding confused (and in pain).</p><p>“I-” Reggie started, but then he heard the sound of the Molinas’ car rolling up onto the driveway, and he fell silent, gripping his friends’ hands as they tried to stay quiet even as another jolt shocked through them.</p>
<hr/><p>After Julie saved them and their marks from Caleb floated away, Reggie was pretty sure he was supposed to be elated. He should’ve been on top of the world - Luke certainly was, and so was Alex, especially after he was able to see Willie again.</p><p>And Reggie was. He <em> was. </em> </p><p>Okay, he had been at first - the glowing emitting from the band, the realization that they weren’t going to disappear, that they could touch (and hug!) Julie, he was <em> ecstatic. </em> Not only did he get to stay with Alex and Luke, but Julie, too. And her family!</p><p>Well - as much as he had previously anyway. They were tangible to Julie now, and apparently they were occasionally visible to other lifers now, too? They’d figured that out when Flynn visited the day after the Orpheum and screamed at the sight of Luke. Still, Julie very much wanted to wait before introducing the guys to her dad. Reggie got that, even if he did want to actually introduce himself to Ray. Carlos, at least, knew they were around, so now Reggie could interact with him if he was smart and subtle enough to do it without getting Ray’s attention.</p><p>It was nice.</p><p>He <em> liked </em>it.</p><p>He just couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiraling back to <em> can’t last can’t last can’t last. </em></p><p>Every time things had started weaving and working over the past few weeks, something new had gone wrong, Caleb’s stamps being the worst but certainly not the only thing. Everything was constantly being threatened, and Reggie just couldn’t believe that everything was safe now.</p><p>He tried to distract himself all the time, but he couldn’t get himself to stop thinking about when and how things would inevitably be ripped away from him. He tried distracting himself with a few of those audiobook things that Julie had told him about (which were <em>awesome,</em> and now he could actually go back and listen to the books he was supposed to have understood in school), he tried watching Carlos play video games (he liked the one where he went around talking to anthropomorphic animals), he tried watching YouTube, slowly going through the list of singers and artists that Julie and Flynn had been compiling of who he’d missed and thought he’d like (and <em>God, </em>he’d miss them). And he <em>enjoyed</em> those things, he did. He just felt afraid all the time that it’d all slip through his hands.</p><p>He couldn’t even focus on music, which was supposed to be the <em> one </em>thing that he could lose himself in. </p><p>His fingers moved automatically, his hands gliding along the strings of his bass like they always did, but his mind was entirely elsewhere. All he saw was the stupid bike shack, the stamp on his wrist, Alex’s heartbroken expression when he and Willie had their strange not-a-break-up, the jolts shocking through his friends, even his parents arguing, which somehow feels both so long ago and still so fresh. Most of all, it’s the giant, looming, vague <em> end </em> that has no shape but he <em> knows </em>is coming.</p><p>“Reg!”</p><p>The bassist startled, his fingers tripping and dropping his pick. He blinked, pulling himself back to the garage, only to see all his friends staring at him. Only then did he realize that they’d stopped playing. When did that happen?</p><p>“Wha-?” Reggie said, looking between the three of them. </p><p>Luke was closest to him, just a few feet away, his eyebrows knit together. “You okay, man? You missed your cue.”</p><p>Reggie frowned. “Oh.” He blinked a few more times, trying to snap himself back together. “Sorry. I guess I zoned out,” he said, before bending down to grab his pick, one hand holding his bass aloft. </p><p>He ran the hand with the pick through his hair, pushing it back. He shook his head. “Sorry, I got it now.”</p><p>But the others didn’t get ready for another try. Instead, Luke swung his guitar to his back and Alex put down his drumsticks, which - okay, he didn’t like that.</p><p>“You know you can talk to us, right?” Julie asked, her eyebrows furrowed. She’d set her microphone down, too, but she was still sat at her keyboard, giving Reggie his space. </p><p>Luke, meanwhile, put a hand on Reggie’s shoulder, and for some reason, despite the fact that it still felt nice and warm like it always did, it also made him feel itchy and bouncy.</p><p>He shrugged the hand away, and ignoring Luke’s hurt look, he nodded and said, “Yeah, of course. I really am good, though.” He made sure that his smile looked natural, that it reached his eyes. “Just daydreaming. I’ll pay more attention now, though.” He made sure his voice wasn’t pleading, wasn’t pushy, just light.</p><p>Even so, the others looked hesitant. After they all shared a couple looks, though, they reluctantly moved back into place.</p><p>Reggie focused all his attention on making sure he didn’t zone out this time - he played every note right, chimed in vocally when he needed to, and he even skipped across the stage like he always did to sing into Luke’s mic. He pushed himself to smile and <em> enjoy </em>the moment, and he did. </p><p>There was no point in wasting the time he had wallowing around.</p>
<hr/><p>Of course, sometimes, when he was alone, he really couldn’t help it.</p><p>Reggie found himself sitting on the beach again. He was on his own - Luke was visiting his parents, Reggie was pretty sure - it wasn’t as sad as it used to be, after Julie had helped provide him some closure; now it was more like the way Reggie would talk to Ray. Alex was hanging out with Willie, who had finally managed to break away from Caleb’s grasp - they didn’t know how it’d worked, but Julie assumed it was the same magic she’d used to help them. Julie was at Flynn’s, apparently having a study session. While Reggie had started to pop in to talk to her dad prior to their Orpheum performance, he didn’t really feel like he could now that he seemed to blink into view at random moments.</p><p>He’d been going stir-crazy, though, holed up in the garage with no one to talk to. He’d kept trying to distract himself, but eventually he realized that it was futile if nobody was around to help keep him in the moment.</p><p>So, he found himself back at the beach, a little ways down from where his house used to be. Sometimes, he wondered how his parents were. Were they still together? Still arguing? Or did they finally split up once he was gone? Or, and he really tried not to think about this one, did they start working better once he was gone? Once he was out of the way?</p><p>Had he been the problem all along?</p><p>He tried not to think about them, though. He knew that he’d probably be able to find them somehow using the internet, maybe through that website… Face… something? Face… Chat? Something like that. Everything was at the tip of your fingers nowadays. </p><p>Except, he also was pretty sure he didn’t want to know. Well, he <em> did </em> - he wondered all the time, whenever he came to this beach and stared at that bike shack, whenever he looked at a certain t-shirt he’d had for ages, whenever he saw Julie’s family photos, but he also knew that he was probably better off not knowing. He knew he’d just end up with more questions, and he didn’t want to walk down that endless road.</p><p>He took off his shoes and socks, letting his toes sink into the sand. It didn’t quite feel the way it used to - not quite as invasive, but it still felt grounding in a way that few things were. </p><p>He watched the horizon, the water meeting the sky, dull blue meeting a duller gray. He wondered what Alex was doing with his new friend (or boyfriend, though he knew that the drummer was still anxious about announcing that), what new terminology he would come back with later. They still didn’t know what ‘woke’ meant. They’d asked Julie, and she’d just laughed for five minutes. He wondered how Luke was doing. If he was still just watching on as his parents carried on around him, or if he was talking to them. He wondered what Julie was studying with Flynn - was she studying English or math? Did she struggle like him, or was she as brilliant in that regard as she was in everything else?</p><p>He dug into the sand beside him with his hand, clawing in so he could grab as big a handful as possible. As he pulled it out, sand rained from between his fingers, a prelude of what was sure to come from the sky within the next hour. Slowly, he relaxed his grip, letting the particles continue to trickle from his hand. </p><p>He tried not to think of how the gaps between his fingers compared to the cracks he felt were ready to creep into everything else.</p><p>It didn’t really work.</p><p>Frowning, he then took both hands and used them to scoop up more sand. He squeezed his hands together, his knuckles turning white with the effort, urging the sand to stay in his palms. <em> Don’t fall between the cracks. Don’t fall between the cracks.  </em></p><p>Even as the sky started to sprinkle, he stayed focused on the sand between his hands. The clouds slowly released their burden, his hair gradually dampened, the people around him gathered their things, but he continued to hold his hands together. </p><p>It felt important. Everything seemed to blur around him, leaving him alone as he tried to keep it all together. It had to stay. <em> Stay. </em> He had to keep it together. </p><p>He pressed his hands together harder, but the rain water was beginning to slip between the sand particles, carrying them with it. Forcing in a sharp breath, he tried to gather more sand, clenching it together, but that just made more spill from his grasp.</p><p>Something like a gasp escaped his mouth, and he let out a noise of frustration, something like a whimper. His hands were shaking as he scooped more handfuls, trying to hold onto whatever he could. He tried to force his hands to still, but they just continued to tremble. He bit down hard on his lip, as if that would grant him some extra control. <em> Stay, stay, </em> “ <em> Stay!” </em></p><p>He almost jumped out of his skin as he was suddenly tugged backwards. He tried scrambling away, before he finally processed his name being repeated over and over. </p><p>“Reg! Reg, Reggie, you’re okay, it’s just us. It’s just us.” It was - it was Luke, and that’s who was holding him from behind. His arms were wrapped around his, holding them down against his torso, like he was swaddling him with a blanket. He kept muttering, “It’s just us,” in his ear, his chin on his shoulder, gently rocking them back and forth.</p><p>He saw Alex come around from his peripheral, and the drummer quickly kneeled down in the wet sand in front of him. He grabbed onto one of Reggie’s hands, holding it with both of his and squeezing tightly.</p><p>In his head, it felt like he was suffocating, even though he knew he was breathing hard and fast. His chest felt tight, not unlike how it got when he heard people yelling. It felt like his heart was about to crawl up his throat. His head felt like his brain was trying to beat through his skull with a hammer. </p><p>He let out a whine, and he tried clenching his fists, but Alex simply grabbed his other hand, gently prying nails away from his palm. “Just squeeze,” Alex said, and his voice sounded kind of faint, but Reggie tried to follow the instructions, wrapping his fingers tightly around Alex’s and gripping them hard. The remaining crumbs of sand rubbed between their hands.</p><p>Gradually, he was able to slow his breathing. He was still trembling, and rain was running down his back, and his eyes still burned, but he felt less lightheaded. </p><p>“There you go, one, two, three,” Luke whispered, rocking them. “One, two, three.”</p><p>Feeling exhausted, Reggie fell backward, putting all his weight against Luke, who barely moved except to tighten his hold. “M’sorry,” Reggie muttered, barely able to stop himself from blubbering.</p><p>“Hey, no,” Alex asked, leaning forward and giving both his hands a quick squeeze. “We always wanna help you, Reg.”</p><p>Reggie shut his eyes again, shaking his head. “No. Things are good, they’re <em>supposed to be good,</em> and we should be enjoying it, and I just -”</p><p>“Reg, neither of us are gonna stop having panic attacks just because things calm down,” Alex said gently. “None of our issues are just gonna disappear.”</p><p>Reggie let out a huff. “Yeah, that’s the only thing that’ll <em> stay </em>,” he grumbled, then froze when both Luke and Alex stilled.</p><p>“Is <em> that </em>what you’ve been thinking?” Luke asked, his voice low and quiet.</p><p>Reggie couldn’t see Luke’s face, but he could see Alex’s, and he looked heartbroken and <em>hurt,</em> which is exactly why Reggie was supposed to just <em>pretend to be okay and act like everything was fine,</em> because this was exactly what he was supposed to avoid!</p><p>Alex visibly swallowed. “Reg, we’re gonna warp back to the garage, okay?” he said calmly, staring into his eyes seriously. “You’re completely soaked, and we need to talk about this.”</p><p>“But-” Reggie started, because he really, <em> really </em>didn’t want to.</p><p>“Please, Reg,” Luke said, his voice pleading, and that was really unfair. It was really, <em> really </em> unfair.</p><p>“Okay,” he whispered.</p><p>Alex crawled forward, before throwing his arms around both him and Alex. Reggie squeezed his eyes shut as he braced himself. </p><p>A  moment later, they landed on their feet in the garage.</p><p>“Oh, thank God!” </p><p>Reggie looked up from their shoes, surprised to see Julie throwing her hands up in the air.</p><p>“You were <em>outside?</em>” she shrieked, before running towards them. Reggie braced himself for impact, in case this was a moment she could touch them, but instead of throwing her arms around him like he half-expected, she just grabbed his hand and started dragging him towards the couch.</p><p>“I-” he started, looking over his shoulder at the other boys, but they were both headed in opposite directions.</p><p>Julie planted him down, both hands on his shoulders. “Gimme your jacket,” she said, but she didn’t wait, instead manhandling him out of it. “Stay,” she said, pointing at him, before walking away to hang the jacket from one of the mic stands, patting the water away from the leather. </p><p>Meanwhile, Luke walked back over with Reggie’s flannel in his hands. He draped it over Reggie’s shoulders, tugging it tightly around him. Reggie immediately grabbed onto it. Next, Alex appeared on his other side, with a pile of thick and heavy blankets that reached his chin. He dumped them onto Luke, who, along with Julie, immediately started wrapping Reggie in them. </p><p>Once they were satisfied, and Reggie was starting to feel warm again - he hadn’t realized how <em> cold </em>he was - Alex and Luke both sat down on either side of him, pressed right up against him, and Julie sat down on the coffee table right in front of him.</p><p>“I - I thought you were at Flynn’s,” Reggie muttered, before blinking and looking at the others. “And you guys, you were with Willie and your parents,” he added towards each of them, furrowing his eyebrows.</p><p>“Yeah, but then I felt like there was something Wrong, like with a capital W - and it wasn’t like normal,” Alex said, reaching over and picking up Reggie’s left hand again. </p><p>“Yeah,” Luke said, grabbing Reggie’s other hand and squeezing it. “I felt it, too. When we both flashed back here, we realized we’d both felt it and we knew you weren’t okay. So, we ran to the house and told Carlos to call Julie, and then we went looking for you.”</p><p>Reggie shook his head. “You guys didn’t have to do that.”</p><p>“Pretty sure we did,” Luke said gently, leaning into him. “We know you haven’t been okay for a while, dude.”</p><p>Reggie squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to shake. “But I <em> should </em> be, I - there’s no <em> point </em> to being so messed up about it, it won’t do any good, it just--” He interrupted himself with a shaky sigh, biting on his cheek.</p><p>He felt a pressure on his knees, and he opened his eyes to see Julie resting her hands on them. “Reggie,” she said. “It’s not about <em> should </em> or <em> shouldn’t. </em> You’re not okay, and you haven’t been, and that’s not <em> wrong. </em> We just want to help you feel better if we can. And to do that, we need to know what’s going on.”</p><p>On either side of him, both Luke and Alex stiffened.</p><p>Clearly catching it, Julie frowned. “What?”</p><p>“Reg?” Alex asked, quiet. “Can we tell her what you said earlier?”</p><p>Reggie sighed, lifting his hand to rub at his eyes, pulling Luke’s with it. He nodded.</p><p>“Okay,” said Alex. Intertwining his and Reggie’s fingers, he looked up at Julie. “He mentioned everything disappearing, like - like nothing was going to stay.”</p><p>Julie’s eyebrows furrowed, looking back at Reggie. “What did you mean?” she asked.</p><p>Reggie swallowed. The others waited patiently, not pushing him. Finally, after opening his mouth a couple times with nothing coming out, he managed, “I just.” He shut his eyes. “I’ve always known that, y’know, nothing lasts forever. Everything slips away at some point, whether it’s - whether it’s the quiet, or parents, or friends; I really never expected this to last as long as it did,” he said, gesturing between himself and the other boys, refusing to look at them. He heard Luke make a soft, hurt sound, though. </p><p>“Reggie,” he whispered, and he <em> hated </em>how sad he sounded.</p><p>“I just--! It’s what happens! When we died, I thought it was just time for the world to, you know, do its thing again, but then we all showed up here together! It was weird, and I didn’t <em> get </em> that, but then bad things kept happening - Bobby and Willie and Caleb, and it <em> sucked </em> but that’s how it <em> works! </em> And I know that somehow, I <em> am </em>going to lose everything, and I know I should just be happy with what I have while I have it, I should just enjoy it while it lasts, but I can’t stop thinking about losing it and I’m scared all the time, and I -”</p><p>He was cut off as Luke pulled him into his arms, and immediately he felt Alex on his other side. Then Julie was tackling him, too.</p><p>Reggie was caught off guard, certainly, but he also knew to take whatever he was given. So, he melted into the embrace, leaning against Luke fully as his friends wrapped their arms around him. Alex weaved a hand into his pile of blankets, eventually managing to touch Reggie’s back. Julie just wrapped her arms around all three of them, squeezing all of them into each other.</p><p>“You’re wrong,” Luke said staunchly, his arms around Reggie’s waist tightening.</p><p>“Huh?” Reggie asked, a little distracted by the warmth and pressure that was surrounding him. </p><p>"You're <em> wrong, </em>" repeated Luke, leaving no room for argument. “We’re not going to leave you. It’s not going to happen.”</p><p>Reggie squeezed his eyes shut. He appreciated it, really, but Luke was <em> wrong. </em> “You can’t guarantee that, dude. And if history says anything -”</p><p>“If history says anything, then <em> we will get through anything together,” </em> Luke interrupted. </p><p>The next thing the bassist knew, he was being pushed forward, Luke’s hands moving to his shoulders, his thumbs resting on his clavicles. Reggie found himself staring directly into his friend’s determined gaze. “Dude, we stayed together through every shitty thing that happened in our lives and then we stayed together through <em> death. </em> Then we managed to stay together again, here, with Julie. We kept all of this, because <em> that’s what we do. </em>”</p><p>Reggie swallowed, pushing down the stupid flutter in his chest that was threatening to make him do something stupid like <em> believe </em> that. He lowered his gaze, looking somewhere near Luke’s chin instead of his eyes. “I… I want that, and I wish that we <em> could </em> keep it forever, but that’s not what happens. That’s not how the universe works,” he told them.</p><p>“But-” Julie started, but Reggie just continued.</p><p>“Somehow, we’ll either get torn apart, whether it’s through Caleb or some other evil second-death thing, or we’ll get sick of each other, or-”</p><p>“Reg, what the hell are you talking about?” Alex interrupted. “Are you tired of us? Did we do something?”</p><p>“What?” said Reggie. He blinked quickly, shaking his head in confusion. “No! That’s not-”</p><p>“Well, <em> we’re </em> not tired of you. And we’re not gonna <em> get </em> tired of you either,” Alex said, his voice firm but carefully not too loud.</p><p>Reggie rolled his eyes, going to throw up his arms, only for them to stay contained within his binding of blankets. Shaking his head, he said, “You can’t know that!”</p><p>“Well, you can’t know that we <em> will,” </em> Julie argued.</p><p>Reggie sighed, squeezing his eyes shut. “Look. You guys aren’t getting it.” He shook his head again. “We shouldn’t even be talking about this, it’s not even worth it, so-”</p><p>“No, we <em> do </em>need to talk about it, because you’re convinced that we’re going to leave you, by our own will or not. That’s not gonna happen, man,” Luke said, tilting his head down to get Reggie to look at him again. </p><p>Reluctantly, he did.</p><p>“I need you to get this. Us?” Luke said, gesturing between the four of them. “We aren’t going anywhere. We won’t let that happen.” When Reggie opened his mouth to object, he just continued, firmer. “We have stuck through <em> so much. </em> So much, it should have been literally impossible, but we did it. <em> We did it, </em> Reg. If anything else comes our way, we’ll beat it. We’ve got this. We’ve got <em> you. </em> Okay?”</p><p>Reggie felt his eyes begin to burn again. He swallowed thickly.</p><p>He didn’t know if he believed them. He hadn’t really thought about it like that. That, maybe, if they’d gotten through all those challenges, they might be able to get through any others, too.</p><p>Still, he couldn’t help but think about his family falling apart, about Alex’s parents rejecting him, about Luke losing his parents, about Julie losing her mom. About fleeting words and concepts in school, about the fragile quiet that was constantly ready to be broken in his house. </p><p>He licked his lips, looking down again. “I trust you guys. You know I do. I just… My whole life, everything’s been temporary. I don’t know if I can believe that I’m gonna get to keep this.”</p><p>Julie made a soft, wounded noise, before leaning in to wrap her arms around Reggie again. Alex followed suit, shoving a couple of Reggie’s blankets aside so he could find his arm and hold on to it. </p><p>Luke just sighed, scooting somehow even closer and grabbing his free hand, getting Reggie to look up again. “Your family sucked.” When Reggie opened his mouth to object, the songwriter simply shook his head and kept going. “And so did your old friends and so did your teachers, and - they failed you, Reggie. They should have held onto you, they should’ve held tight, but they didn’t. That’s <em> their </em> problem, and it’s shitty that you had to deal with it all, but it isn’t how it has to be. Maybe some things are temporary, but this isn’t. We love you, and we’re not going to let anything get in the way of that or us. <em> I promise. </em>” </p><p>“Me too,” Alex said, squeezing Reggie’s wrist gently. Julie echoed the words, pushing into him more, so much that her curls started to tickle his chin.</p><p>Reggie let out a shaky breath, blinking quickly in a fruitless attempt to stop himself from crying. He quickly failed, and he finally just nodded. “Okay,” he said, sniffling, as their words filled a few of the cracks that had been splitting into him over the past couple weeks.</p><p>Luke sighed, a smile finally lighting his face, and he leaned back in, gathering the group into his arms as much as he could.</p><p>“Good,” he whispered into his shoulder, and Reggie noticed that his voice was wet, too. “We’ve got you.”</p><p>Reggie knew he would have a hard time really believing that he’d get to keep this forever, but… he also knew that he no longer would be the only one with his hands holding everything together. </p><p>He had his family, and they were going to do whatever they could to make sure that, if nothing else, <em> this </em>would be permanent.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed! if you enjoyed it, please leave kudos + comments! also check out my tumblr @gaystreetsmarts ✌️ (&amp; tell ur friends?)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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